Dude, where’s my yacht?

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You know you’re doing something right when your editor’s email starts out like this:

"Jessica, you’re a treasure"

especially if your name is Jessica, which mine is.

This is not typical behavior for editors. Editors like to spend their time saying nasty things about what you’ve written. That their job. They get paid to do it. If they couldn’t find fault in your submission they’d be unemployed.

The only sad part of this story is that my editor isn’t editing my book. Likely this is because I haven’t written it yet, but trust me, it’ll be The Great American Novel when I get around to it. Really.

Instead my editor was editing my most recent article for NoveList, the premier readers’ advisory database in America (and probably the world, but I haven’t checked.) It is very, very cool that I get to write for NoveList, but getting praise for a (mildly) scholarly article just ain’t the same as getting praise for a critically acclaimed, bestselling novel, or so I imagine.

See, it turns out that writing professional articles for library databases doesn’t really lead to fame. My job with NoveList has led me to, at last count:

0 wild parties
0 exotic dancers
0 Jessica fan clubs
0 stalkers (not really complaining about that, but it’s the principle)
0 paparazzi
0 yachts
*statistical significance of 97% with a +/- 3 point margin of error

This is all very disillusioning for me, as I’m sure you can understand. I have come to the bitter conclusion that NO ONE is salivating for my next article.

They’re not reading my articles because I wrote them. They’re reading my articles because they want to know who writes like Frank Peretti. There’s a good chance they don’t even notice my name at all.

Ingrates. Peons.

To my knowledge NO ONE has developed a crush on me based on my eloquent, insightful treatment of Alice Walker or my hard-hitting analysis of George Orwell. I am chagrined. I am devestated. I am indignant.

(Though I would like to take this opportunity to note that Neil Gaiman told me, IN PERSON, that he thought my read-alike of him was "very interesting." That is a DIRECT QUOTE.)

I am going to recommend to my editor that we run my articles alongside that picture of Raquel Welch in that bikini getup. Perhaps that will generate more interest.

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