Blood, Boobs, Sex, and Explosions!

Coming soon to a laptop near you! It’s Blood! It’s Boobs! It’s Sex! And… It’s… EXPLOSIONS!

Long the hallmarks of quality cinema, these elements are coming to you in the action-packed blog-posting of the summer!

Let’s start with the blood. It’s been on my mind in a figurative sense, and on my underoos in a literal sense. ‘Bout once a month my uterus decides to leak blood. I’ve tried reasoning with it.

"I don’t want kids," I explain. "If for reasons inexplicable I ever decide to raise a child, I’ll adopt. There are too many babies out there who need parents."

"But what about those excellent Kennedy-Rockefeller genes?" responds my uterus.

And it is very difficult to respond to that, cuz let’s face it, any sweet child o mine would be a badass, especially if Johnny Depp is the daddy. Still though. Until that day when Johnny Depp comes begging for my body (and it’s just a matter of time) I’m not going to breed.

So there’s this renegade organ in my tummy that gets a kick out of dripping menses from that oft-sought but rarely-seen region of my body. And until last month I had been using tampons and pads to staunch the flow.

Think about it. Imagine you’re a happy little cotton plant in Alabama somewhere, assuming it’s possible for any living creature to be happy in Alabama, which it’s not. And then you get harvested and turned into a Tampax. Your whole raison d’etre is to sit in my vagina for a few hours. And while any sentient human being would kill for the opportunity, I just can’t see a cotton ball getting off on it.

But now I’ve discovered The Keeper. It’s a plastic cup you stick up your hoo-hoo. It collects the blood and then you dump it out, preferably into your houseplants, which thrive on menses. It’s painless, it’s practical, and you only have to buy one to last you the rest of your child-bearing years. It’s so much less wasteful than disposable cotton products.

Now then. Sex and boobs. While reading MarianLibrarian‘s blog, it occured to me that the whole of library science literature is sorely missing an important textbook, and that she and I need to co-author it. To wit: there is no text on the world’s hottest authors.

Naturally, Neil Gaiman would be the star. He’d probably be featured on the cover, and mebbe we could get him to write the intro. Maybe he’d agree to a personal interview, if you know what I mean.

But who else would be in the book? WHO ELSE? Discuss.

Me, I’m opting for Kurt Vonnegut. (It is not a coincidence that Vonnegut and Gaiman are my two favorite living writers.) He’s hot for an octagenarian. He’s the Sean Connery of writers.

Though I don’t normally think of him as a hottie, when I was a young teen I was totally turned on by the picture of Stephen King on the back cover of Insomnia. It still has a strategic place on my bookshelf.

And then there would be philosophical questions to consider. Should he choose to write a book, do we include Johnny Depp? (He is, after all, going to father my children. See above.) Do we exclude celebreties who happen to write something? What about Madonna? She’s written a children’s book and a rather better known grown-up book.

Which brings to my attention that this is a rather hetero list. Marian’s never gonna sleep with me if she thinks I’m all straight. (I suspect her husband might have something to say about it too…) So who are the hot female authors, huh? They’ve totally got to be included in the book. And authors of color! And international authors! This will be a book of the new millennium, please and thank you. No discrimination here.

Eric Jerome Dickey? Sandra Cisneros? Ian McDowell? (Hi, Id! Call Women!)

Guess that about wraps it up… oh! Wait! I promised explosions!

Here ya go:

Kaboom!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: