Human rights groups and fashion watchdogs alike are going wild over Jessica Kennedy-Rockefeller’s shopping spree yesterday. Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller, with her stunning assistant Kharma, reinvigorated the fashion world in a move that rescued hundreds, if not thousands, of children from human bondage.
“We haven’t seen progressive action like this since the Kyoto Protocol,” says Kofi Annan, departing Secretary General of the United Nations. “Though we’d like to take this opportunity to point out, again, that the United States, and the Bush Administration particularly, remains opposed to the Kyoto Protocol. Don’t blame me when the earth melts into a puddle of lava. Even the cockroaches will be lucky to survive.”
It is well known that Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller, though far richer than you will ever be, lives a humble existence.
“It is a moral obligation, an ethical imperative,” she explains in her cultured voice. It is refreshing to hear multisyllabic words from a woman as attractive as Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller.
“That is why I drive the cheapest car that was on the lot at the dealership,” she says. “And that is why I don’t employ a maid. After intensive soul-searching, I have concluded that vacuuming up the cat litter on the carpet is less important than devoting myself to the impoverished peoples of the world. Besides, I think the vacuum is broken.”
Because of Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller’s selfless lifestyle, she decided last night to shop at two thrift stores. In so doing, she galvanized the fashion industry and saved the lives of countless toddlers in distant lands.
“She is an example to us all,” said a spokesperson for Amnesty International. “She… she…” At this point, unfortunately, the spokesperson broke down crying.
By purchasing second-, or quite possibly third- or fourth-, hand clothes from the CHKD last night, Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller failed to purchase all-new clothes—clothes that, undoubtedly, would have been sewn by infants in sweatshops.
And what fabulous clothes they were! Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller chanced upon two plaid skirts that will look damn sexy with those little black knee-highs with the bows, if she can figure out how to wear them so the tear doesn’t show.
“She’s the new It Girl,” declared the cover of Time Magazine.
“How DID you find such good clothes in a thrift store?” asked the editor of Vogue, in an exclusive interview.
“It’s hard,” admitted Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller. “Few women are lucky enough to have my size. There were plenty of clothing choices in size six, in size eight, but as for me? My physique is so uncommon that it’s nearly impossible to find clothes. Of course, the uncommon physique is part of my allure.
[Aside from thelesbrarian: Marilyn Goddam Monroe was a size 14. I’m in good company. Leave me the fuck alone.]
“And what about your assistant?” asked the interviewer from Cosmo. “What about Kharma?”
“It’s hard to get her out of the jeans rut,” confessed Ms. K.-R. “But I spotted a fabulous orange skirt for her. Or rather she spotted it. But I approved of it, and that sealed the deal.”
For further reading on Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller’s humanitarian thrift store adventure, see the cover of any major magazine issued this week. Chances are the cover of any major magazine for the next few months will work, too. Start clipping now!