Anagram ‘Owns,’ and What Do You Get?

Posted on

It snowed today.

Exclamation points fail to do justice to my ecstasy. Punctuation is usually my secret weapon. (Every superhero has one. Me, I can do amazing things with a well-placed semicolon. Villains and arch-enemies and Republicans tremble before my M-dashes. Look on my Oxford commas, ye mighty, and despair!)

But really, this is lame:

It snowed today!

Just doesn’t get my point across. Maybe I could go ee cummings on its ass:

it snowed today
it snowed today
snowed today
it snowed
today today today

You do not understand how happy snow makes me. That is a specific, not general, use of the second person. I mean you, reader, I mean you. That’s right—the person staring at the monitor instead of doing trace reports/checking a book out to a patron/spending quality time with the kids. You.

(Not that I really think people read my blog instead of doing work, though of course that’s my ultimate goal.)

The snow didn’t stick around long enough for me to really get my glee on, but I did get to play in it a little bit. I took a five minute break to go frolic around the perimeter of the building. Managed to catch quite a few snow flakes on my tongue, and I built a snowperson to keep me company. She or he (not sure which—they’re like goldfish, you just have to take your best guess until such time as they reproduce) was only about half a centimeter tall, but that’s bigger than, say, a human embryo.

The snow couldn’t have come at a better moment. I’d just endured one hour of a two-hour database class. (Teaching a database class, I mean, though now that you mention it, I only lasted about an hour the time I tried to take a database class in library school. “Intro to databases,” my ass. I am not a stupid woman, and though I don’t have the technological know-how of Information Science students, I didn’t arrive on this here innanet bandwagon yesterday. You’d think I could handle an entry-level database class, wouldn’t you? I dropped it and took History of Libraries instead.)

Very observant readers will recall that I taught four different classes of fifth graders about databases last week. I have very little patience for people younger than, say, thirty, but I’ll say this much for the munchkins: they’re comfortable with computers. They were born in 1997, for Christ’s sake. They’ve never heard the siren call of a modem trying to get online.

My grown-up students today, now, that’s a different story. The scroll wheel on the mouse overwhelms them. Hard to realize they defeated the Nazis in ’45. These folks are the reason we’re not living in the United States of the Reich, but they can’t use a mouse.

(Minor quibble with myself: Yes, Jessica, America played a crucial role in winning WWII, but Russia is the real reason we’re not speaking fluent German on this side of the pond. France, America, and Great Britain had 2 million casualties in the war; the USSR had 30 million.)

(This is not to say that I wouldn’t like to learn German. I know how to order a beer in German but I suspect there is more to the language than that. It would be nifty to read Goethe in his native tongue. Did you know that he is considered to be the smartest person who ever lived, IQ-wise? I’m not clear on who’s doing the considering, or how one goes about reconstructing the IQ of a dead guy, but money says he’d be great to chat with in a bar. If you knew German, that is. And if he weren’t dead.)

(I want to learn Russian before I learn German. Goethe is the only German author I am jonesing to read in the original language, whereas the Russians have too many of my favorite authors to list here, and I only know one word of Russian, albeit a supremely important one: Vodka!)

Enough parenthesizing, and on to the crux of this post: I need groupies, stat.

My television debut is this Monday, or at least the filming is. It will air repeatedly in March. My 5-7 minutes of fame will be broadcast again, and again, and again—and again and again, if my suspicions about my popularity proves true. I bet the public access channel will be overwhelmed with viewer requests to rebroadcast my show. My fans will not be able to get enough of me.

I’ll be talking about databases, but since 5-7 minutes is not enough time to talk about all 60-some DBs we have at the library, I’ll just focus on one.

Anyone care to guess which?

“NoveList,” you say, wearily.

Dang, you’re good! (Am I really that predictable?)

Honestly, though, I didn’t pick NoveList because I write for them. (Have I ever mentioned that before? That I write for NoveList?) Some small part of me (read: 98%) would like to spend the entire session telling people how to get to my articles.

But actually I picked NoveList because I think it will have the broadest appeal. Most folks come to the library because they want something good to read, not because they want to ask a research question. (I’m sure you already know that Polk was the 11th American president, but if that had escaped you, you would have done exactly the same as I would: you would have gone to google. This is what $28k of grad school debt for an MLS gets you. Google. Tra la la.)

We do still get reference questions at the desk, either from people who don’t know how to google, or from people who couldn’t find the answers on google. The databases come in mighty handy then, let me tell ya.

But for the most part, people come to the library for books to read, and that’s where NoveList can be such a great help. Currently it only covers fiction, but NF is coming later this year, don’t fret.

I would tell you more about how to use NoveList, but instead, I will make you wait to watch the show. (Lookit me, advocating television. Who knew this day would ever come?)

So I need the following, and pronto:

  • A makeup artist
  • A wardrobe consultant
  • Unbiased members of the press
  • A personal assistant
  • Lots of groupies—I’m thinking screaming preteen girls, the kind you saw when the Beatles came to America

Also, I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to say. I’ll work on that part if you’ll work on the rest of the list. Deal?



One response »

  1. The Queen of Claremont

    You’ll also need marketing and an agent. I know someone desperate for work..well, desperate for lots of money for not a lot of work!I go through inflection wars with the phrase, "Today is the last day I will be poor." Emphasis on each word in 9 different sentences doesn’t change the meaning, but makes me feel better to chant the mantra. It hasn’t worked yet, but maybe if I add ‘nam meyoho rengay kyo’ (sp?)to the end of each sentence, it’ll work. I’ll let you know.You’re going to need a mantra to chant if you meditate with your yoga.Did you enjoy the Tom Kha and the Tom Sum?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: