[Man walks up to desk]
Me: Hi, how may I help you?
Man [angrily]: There are people over there talking in a foreign language!
Man: Can’t you do something to stop them?
Me [with remarkable tact]: We allow people to talk in any language.
Man: Then… then I’m going to go talk! [strides off]
[Our heroic librarian proceeds to spend the rest of the talking in French, or trying to.]
Alors. This will be brief. I don’t have much to say, but I want to get a few essential things out of the way. I won’t have a chance to mention them during my next posting, because the next entry will be entirely devoted to…
…are you prepared? This is exciting…
…will be entirely devoted to Jessica’s Book Year in Review, 2007! After last year’s excruciatingly detailed examination of the books I read, I owe it to my readers to repeat the whole tedious process once again, in case anyone was hankering for a tradition to get started.
I won’t want to clutter that post with details that don’t fit. Future biographers, when examining the primary source material of Jessica Zellers (b. 1981), will not want to be distracted by talk of my bra size when they’re trying to determine which books influenced me in 2007.
So: my bra size. After a laborious evening with a tape measure, I determined that I’m a 36F. Let’s examine these findings with a simple list of Pros and Cons:
Cons of being size 36F
- Cannot buy bras locally. Must order online without trying them on.
- Must forsake groceries for a month to buy said bras. I just placed an order for three of them. Want to know how much that cost me? One hundred and ninety-four dollars.
- Cannot wear button-up shirts
- Back pain
- Stretch marks like nobody’s business (though, to be fair, I have stretch marks everywhere. Everywhere. What few centimeters of skin that had not developed them on their own were converted the moment I started taking yoga.)
- Sexual harassment from total strangers; the fella who once yelled out “Hey there, hooters!” from a passing car springs to mind
- Unfortunate assumptions made by men of a certain type, to wit: “She has big boobs! She wants to sleep with me!”
Pros of being size 36F
- Free shipping when you pay $194 for three bras
- Increased attractiveness to desirable, thoughtful, educated, worldly, liberal, witty singles***
***Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The bras should be here tomorrow. According to the USPS website, they’re in Richmond right now. Let’s all wish godspeed to our friendly postal carriers.
And now, before I bid you adieu…
Oh, crap, that’s right, I’m supposed to be speaking in French.
Et maintenant, avant je vous parle adieu, je… je… Ya know, foreign languages would be much easier if you didn’t have to conjugate verbs.
As I was saying, I found my wallet. Remember that wallet? The one that I lost early this year?
Our brief story begins with a phone call from Farm Fresh. The person at Farm Fresh didn’t call my number. It’s unlisted. Instead, she looked at my library card and called the library to get my contact info.
This is why every citizen should have a library card.
Apparently the wallet’s been sitting in the safe for nine months. Why did no one contact me that whole time? Dunno, but somehow I thought it prudent to avoid criticizing the person who handed my wallet back to me.
I know, I know, I just explained that my number is unlisted, but as we have already seen, a tiny bit of sleuthing could have solved that. What’s more, my apartment is, like, three feet from Farm Fresh. I can walk there in four minutes. You would think, and I am not trying to make any assumptions about the work ethic of the typical underpaid seventeen-year-old grocery bagger, but you would think that someone in that store would have appreciated a little hike—for the purposes of civic duty, of course, not because of any incidental benefits of getting a break in the fresh air.
But all’s well that ends well. Stay tuned for the book run-down (you can hardly wait! I can sense it!), coming straight to your computer in a few days. Au revoir et bon nuit.