De brassieres et portefeuilles

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[Man walks up to desk]

Me: Hi, how may I help you?

Man [angrily]: There are people over there talking in a foreign language!

Me: Oh?

Man: Can’t you do something to stop them?

Me [with remarkable tact]: We allow people to talk in any language.

Man: Really?

Me: Yes.

Man: Then… then I’m going to go talk! [strides off]

[Our heroic librarian proceeds to spend the rest of the talking in French, or trying to.]

Alors. This will be brief. I don’t have much to say, but I want to get a few essential things out of the way. I won’t have a chance to mention them during my next posting, because the next entry will be entirely devoted to…

…are you prepared? This is exciting…

…will be entirely devoted to Jessica’s Book Year in Review, 2007! After last year’s excruciatingly detailed examination of the books I read, I owe it to my readers to repeat the whole tedious process once again, in case anyone was hankering for a tradition to get started.

I won’t want to clutter that post with details that don’t fit. Future biographers, when examining the primary source material of Jessica Zellers (b. 1981), will not want to be distracted by talk of my bra size when they’re trying to determine which books influenced me in 2007.

So: my bra size. After a laborious evening with a tape measure, I determined that I’m a 36F. Let’s examine these findings with a simple list of Pros and Cons:

Cons of being size 36F

  • Cannot buy bras locally. Must order online without trying them on.
  • Must forsake groceries for a month to buy said bras. I just placed an order for three of them. Want to know how much that cost me? One hundred and ninety-four dollars.
  • Cannot wear button-up shirts
  • Back pain
  • Stretch marks like nobody’s business (though, to be fair, I have stretch marks everywhere. Everywhere. What few centimeters of skin that had not developed them on their own were converted the moment I started taking yoga.)
  • Sexual harassment from total strangers; the fella who once yelled out “Hey there, hooters!” from a passing car springs to mind
  • Unfortunate assumptions made by men of a certain type, to wit: “She has big boobs! She wants to sleep with me!”

Pros of being size 36F

  • Free shipping when you pay $194 for three bras
  • Increased attractiveness to desirable, thoughtful, educated, worldly, liberal, witty singles***

***Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The bras should be here tomorrow. According to the USPS website, they’re in Richmond right now. Let’s all wish godspeed to our friendly postal carriers.

And now, before I bid you adieu…

Oh, crap, that’s right, I’m supposed to be speaking in French.

Et maintenant, avant je vous parle adieu, je… je… Ya know, foreign languages would be much easier if you didn’t have to conjugate verbs.

As I was saying, I found my wallet. Remember that wallet? The one that I lost early this year?

Our brief story begins with a phone call from Farm Fresh. The person at Farm Fresh didn’t call my number. It’s unlisted. Instead, she looked at my library card and called the library to get my contact info.

This is why every citizen should have a library card.

Apparently the wallet’s been sitting in the safe for nine months. Why did no one contact me that whole time? Dunno, but somehow I thought it prudent to avoid criticizing the person who handed my wallet back to me.

I know, I know, I just explained that my number is unlisted, but as we have already seen, a tiny bit of sleuthing could have solved that. What’s more, my apartment is, like, three feet from Farm Fresh. I can walk there in four minutes. You would think, and I am not trying to make any assumptions about the work ethic of the typical underpaid seventeen-year-old grocery bagger, but you would think that someone in that store would have appreciated a little hike—for the purposes of civic duty, of course, not because of any incidental benefits of getting a break in the fresh air.

But all’s well that ends well. Stay tuned for the book run-down (you can hardly wait! I can sense it!), coming straight to your computer in a few days. Au revoir et bon nuit.

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6 responses »

  1. Wow, I thought bras for small-chested girls were expensive enough–holy shit. My heart, in my undersized chest for which I am now grateful, goes out to you.Can’t wait for the 2007 list. And, might I suggest a read for 2008? I found it the other day and thought of you and your love for "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves"–it’s called "Much Ado about English," by Richard Watson Todd, a UK native (like Truss!).

    Reply
  2. eleemosenary archivist

    So Madame, there are those amongst yr readers(WMAs at that) whose straps only slip when tattered backpacks freighted with weighty tomes are slung yet agree that conversation is unfortunately becoming a lost art. Anyhow primordial multi-lingual ethno slurs were expressed in an amusing way by the {not to be described}library patron unaware that free,albiet low decible speech is still permitted in great libraries of this great land. One day you should take the mugglemobile over to first street to visit bibliotekarist Rock(as in feller) crew.a’voir ate amanha,dos vedanyaskiy.be good Jess.

    Reply
  3. Nonanon,Sigh. You know my love of grammar books (though it seems evident that what I really need is a FRENCH grammar book.) I will add it to my list, or rather my spreadsheet: I have finally capitulated and started a spreadsheet for all the books I want to read. Because of the wretched book I am writing, I am having to put off reading all kinds of good books. I am sure you sympathize. So I’ve started a detailed spreadsheet. It’s my carrot to finish writing on time.E. Archivist: The art of conversation may be endangered, but as you witnessed yesterday, there are still some lovely conversations to overhear. Our anti-foreign language friend bore witness to that. Perhaps I should have directed him to the 400s, where we shelve the foreign language materials.

    Reply
  4. the queen of claremount

    One word.Enell.You’ll be amazed. It opened new worlds for me for stretch shirts, button up dresses, and not getting a black eye every time I run. Savings of 20% over what you spent for maximum comfort.Farm Fresh sucks. You must not be a ‘valued shopper’ with them, considering they probably scan your card each time you shop there………

    Reply
  5. eleemosenary archivist

    apropos foreign 400’s this is to wish you a "GUETEN RUETSCH INS NEUES JAHR". That’s how Berliners commend one another to a "good (more accurately in context "effortless") Slide into a new Gregorian cycle. Bonne Nov’Annee or so, in franzosisch..but in any case, A very happy new year is bid to you and the cats who rule your roost.(pun eh?)

    Reply
  6. I told you about the Comb-Over Mullet Man, right? The guy who’s "publishing" (photocopying at Kinko’s) a "book" (xeroxed booklet) called HOW TO PICK UP ANY WOMAN IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS? He’s the one who wrote "if she is black or Latinic [sic] or appears to wear anything larger than a c-cup, do not attempt to engage her in a discussion of arts or politics."

    Reply

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