Fruit of the vine

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Editor’s note: Our regular content editor, The Lesbrarian, is inexcusably unable to perform her regularly scheduled task of updating the blog. This is her day off (not because the library is closed for Presidents’ Day, goodness no; it’s only because she worked the weekend that she gets to stay home today) and she is, rather embarrassingly, tipsy. She would be working on her book but it would be imprudent for her to annotate titles while under the influence of alcohol. She didn’t mean to get schnookered, but Nebudchadnezzar came over to visit his kitty, and he came bearing a bottle of Merlot. This is completely not her fault.

Besides, the editor is enjoying her break from Ralph Vaughn Williams. She loves RVW, don’t get her wrong; he is arguably her favorite twentieth-century composer, though Shostakovich gives him a run for his money. But the point here is that, whilst composing text for her manuscript, the editor cannot listen to music with lyrics. She gets too distracted. Hence she has been listening to a lot of classical music during the composition of her book, with a recent emphasis on Vaughan Williams. But while entertaining her guest she put on Tom Waits, followed by the Squirrel Nut Zippers, and Christ A’mighty it’s been nice to have some late-twentieth-century tunes interrupting her regular routine.

At any rate, The Lesbrarian does not feel comfortable working on her manuscript, not until she sobers up a little more. Nor does she feel entirely confident in driving a car to Food Loin for the groceries she so desperately needs. She could walk to Farm Fresh, of course, but her grocery bill would be higher there. Instead, will supervise the composition of the interview, below, during the time it takes her to regain sobriety.

An interview with Jessica Kennedy-Rockefeller

For the past several months, internationally-acclaimed celebrity superstar Jessica Kennedy-Rockefeller has fallen off the radar. Neither the major media outlets—the newspapers, the magazines, the television stations—nor the independent press have been able to keep up with her.

“I’m guess I’m just good at disappearing,” laughs Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller, in her exclusive interview with The Lesbrarian. She is settled comfortably into her beat-up second-hand couch from the Salvation Army (“Why should I give my money to corporate businesses when I could help the needy?” she explains).  She’s wearing her favorite pair of jeans (“Three bucks at the thrift store”), a hand-me-down t-shirt, and no make-up (“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable with my beauty,” she explained to the interviewer).

“But what caused you to go underground?” we asked.

“Oh—a variety of reasons,” she replies. “I had work to accomplish. I didn’t need the paparazzi, the media, the public, not these past few months. There were things to do.”

Such as?

“You know, the usual,” she says. “Starting orphanages. Saving baby seals from oil spills. Distributing condoms in Africa.”

Sounds like Jessica Kennedy-Rockefeller has been up to her old tricks, saving the world from its direst social ills. But what about her obligations, her duties closer to home?

“Well, there’s the book, of course. I suppose you’ve heard of it.”

Of course we have. The press has never seen such a frenzy over the anticipation of a forthcoming manuscript, not since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

“Don’t you worry about the book,” she says. “It’s practically finished. In fact, I could send it off to my publisher today, and it would be ready for print, wouldn’t even need editing. But I’ve decided to hang on to it till my deadline, just in case I discover additional books that need annotating.”

What about your busy social calendar at home, we asked?

“That’s been difficult,” she confessed. Is that a tear in her eye? “I hate to disappoint my stateside friends. I’ve missed any number of social galas, charity fundraisers, and high-profile dates these past few months. I’m sure the tabloids are upset!” [She breaks into laughter, gracing the atmosphere with her infectious chuckles.] “Seriously: I had to do a lot of soul searching, but my closest friends understand that I can’t always be in Wilhelmsplatz. As an ambassador to the world, I sometimes need to spend my time with the underprivileged. I can’t always live in the height of luxury in my 900-square-foot apartment.”

And her fashion followers? What words of consolation does she have for them?

“Ooh, that’s a toughie.” Again she breaks into peals of laughter. “No one else has quite my flair for style, I admit it. But what can I say? There are two thrift stores within easy walking distance; how can I not give my dollars to the DAV and the CHKD?  It’s not my fault if I always luck into fashionable finds. Sure, I could spend more than five dollars for any given outfit—but then I wouldn’t have nearly so much money to donate to charity!  Some would contend that shopping at thrift stores limits my wardrobe potential. Rubbish, I say; shopping at thrift stores forces me to expand my creative horizons, allowing me to find treasures in unlikely places.”

Ahh, Jessica Kenney-Rockefeller. Social responsibility, scholarly savvy, and fashion sense, all in one remarkable human being. How can any of us aspire to her panache?

“Well, you could marry a national leader,” she says, completely straight-faced. “It worked for Jackie Kennedy. It worked for Princess Di.”

Editors’ note: The remainder of the interview is, essentially, insubstantial. JKR needed to hurry to the grocery store, since the only thing edible in her house was a frozen veggie burger of questionable age. And The Lesbrarian, being restored now to sober spirits, was unable to continue monitoring the interview, in light of her duties to the manuscript. But the interview concluded on a positive note; Ms. Kennedy-Rockefeller has agreed to give The Lesbrarian exclusive interview rights, starting immediately. Trust no other sources! Turn here, and only here, for all your Kennedy-Rockefeller needs.

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One response »

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