A modest proposal for birthday celebrations

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A short post today, not because I need to be working on my book (though that’s never stopped me before) and not because I have nothing worthwhile to say (though that’s never stopped be before), but because I’m tired of looking at the Misogynecologst post, and I’m sure you are, too.

But an update on that: I got my results back, and it appears that I will not be dying anytime soon, at least not from horrible diseases of the reproductive organs. (If he got it wrong, and I *do* die from a horrible reproductive-organ disease, I want you to sue his ass for millions of dollars and give it to my heirs. Not that the kitties would know what to do with all that money. Catnip for life would cost what, a few thousand? Um. Sue his ass and give the winnings to Mom and Dad.)

My next step is to write to the state medical board. The letter has already been composed; I just need to drop it in the mail. Then I’ll write a letter to the doctor himself

The problem with being an adult, I have realized, is that Easter rolls around and no one has given you any Cadbury eggs. How am I supposed to celebrate the resurrection of the Christ without Cadbury eggs? I can do without the empty calories of the jelly beans, the peeps, and those weird marshmallow bunnies, but an Easter without chocolate or caramel is—I’m sure you’ll agree with me here—is sacrilegious.

There was also a shocking lack of caramel, chocolate, and other edibles of a deliciously unhealthy variety on several recently observed holidays including Groundhog Day, Presidents’ Day, and MLK. Those wishing to redress these oversights may direct their attentions to my birthday in two weeks.

Speaking of my birthday, I present, as always, my wishlist. I would please like the following items

  • A stately castle in good repair on the British Isle (England, Ireland, Wales—I’m not picky)
  • World peace
  • A panda
  • A lifetime supply of bamboo
  • A friendly ghost, for company around the apartment
  • A life-after-deathtime supply of ectoplasm, or whatever it is ghosts eat
  • A unicorn who likes bamboo
  • A new gynecologist

Additionally, I would like the following services

  • I would like for someone to reverse global warming
  • I would like for someone to finish writing my book
  • I would like for someone to pay me a healthy salary to update my blog on an infrequent basis
  • I would like for someone to clean my house*

*I realize this last item may be impossible

And don’t forget the chocolate and the caramel. Both ingredients may be combined, if necessary.

Now I am going to continue working on the book, but only half-heartedly, because I know that you have just now read my wishlist, and that you are consequently hunting for someone to finish it for me. You have my full permission to give me that gift early. The same goes for most of the rest of the items, except I ask that you not deliver the panda before you gift me with the bamboo. Thank you.

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4 responses »

  1. I agree, Easter is just not Easter without Cadbury Creme Eggs! That’s one thing I always end up splurging on. And Reese’s peanut butter eggs, for some reason, taste so much better than any other shape of peanut butter-y goodness… Mmm.

    Reply
  2. eleemosenary archivist

    World peace and reversal of global warming,are most probably, recurrent cycles with their own peculiar downsides;hordes of bureaucrats would profit than ordinary folk on the streets, one fears.Or,who wants a return of the Ice age,or an encounter with comets,meteorites or rapidly changing coastlines. BUT… the food of the gods being Chocolate,yup,Easter ain’t the same sans Cadbury (or if ya buy american..Hershey.}Even my usually scrupulously sweets-avoiding 14-yr old daughter admitted an Easter morn bout of unbounded joy at receiving the LARGE chocolate rabbit she had described 7 days earlier as"childish" during our Palm Sunday trans-Atlantic palaver.She too consigned"Gummibaerchen" & marshmellow-filled chickens to "undesireable status"..Long live global rebirth rituals involving cacaobean,or alfaroberra-bean Eggs&Rabbits

    Reply
  3. I had my mini eggs…all Cadbury, 1/3 the size! they came in a mini carton of 12. Just enough…if you don’t do as I did and eat them all at once.

    Reply

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