Fight club meets book club

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  1. The first rule of Jessica’s book is, you do not talk about Jessica’s book.
  2. The second rule of Jessica’s book is, you do not talk about Jessica’s book.
  3. You do not approach Jessica. Treat her as though she were a trapped animal in the wild. Do not get near her. Do not touch her. Make low soothing noises. Leave her offerings of food.
  4. Specifically, leave her either the house salad from the Italian joint by her Food Loin (with chicken, hold the olives, ranch dressing) or the chef salad from Sacred Grounds (with two ranch dressings) Oh, and she likes diet green tea. You can buy it by the jug; conveniently, it is sold at the aforementioned Food Loin.
  5. When you bring food offerings, don’t get creative. Jessica is trying to get svelte in anticipation of having her photo taken for the back flap of the you-know-what (see rules 1 and 2 if you’re not clear about what we’re talking about here). Just a salad will be sufficient.
  6. Exception: While you’re at Sacred Grounds, check to see if they have cheesy beer soup. Jessica has never had cheesy beer soup. One day, she walked in to Sacred Grounds to pick up her chef salad with two ranch dressings… “Wow!” she said. “What’s in the cheesy beer soup?” “Well, there’s cheese,” said the counter girl, “and there’s beer.” “OMG!” said Jessica. “Sign me up for a cup to go!” ….The remains of that cup to go are still clearly visible in the backseat of her car. As soon as she turned a corner, the cheesy beer soup went flying everywhere. Jessica had to throw away an atlas that was ruined (and considering her lousy sense of direction, this is tragic) and, even though she drove her car to the car-wash place that evening, the stains are still horribly, horribly apparent.
  7. When you arrive bearing your gifts of salad, diet green tea, and cheesy beer soup, under no circumstances should you hand them directly to Jessica (see rule 3). Leave them outside her door.
  8. Wait. No. Don’t. That will attract ants. Right now Jessica has ants in her closet. How did she get ants in her closet? She doesn’t know, but she can guarantee you that is extremely unpleasant to feel your shirt crawling a minute after you get dressed in the morning. And then it continues to crawl for the rest of the day. Disgusting.
  9. Instead, knock gently at the door, then dash away. If Jessica is awake, she will grab the food, but not before the lucky observer has had a chance to glimpse her in her natural habitat.
  10. If Jessica is asleep, you will have to come back again later. (Be sure to refrigerate the food in the meantime.) You will know when she has woken by the steady stream of invectives coming from her bedroom. Jessica will considerately swear at a volume loud enough for any passers-by to hear. (Jessica does not much care for waking up.)
  11. Alternately, if Jessica is asleep, you may figure out a way to scale the wall of her apartment building until you reach her floor. Figure out an unobtrusive way to break in, leave the salad, tea, and soup in the fridge, and be sure to empty the litterbox on your way out.
  12. Continue following these rules at least until the manuscript is completed. At that point, you may check for updates, to see if communication with Jessica has been reinstated as a permissible act. Do not discontinue the practice of leaving food and beverage offerings until you hear explicit directions to the contrary.


5 responses »

  1. I guess this means that you don’t want to meet for coffee and a reading of the first chapter of "that which must not be named."

  2. OMG! I RSS your blog to my gmail reader, and I gotta tell you, your blog makes my week! This had me practically rolling on the floor laughing!

  3. This is not your first book, as there are several previous limited editions amongst my treasures, but please consider, when time allows, making this the last.In a similar vein, NEVER get pregnant.

  4. the lesbrarian

    Kathy:Thanks! Keep reading!Mom: Let’s see if I understand this correctly: You’re advising me, personally, to not get pregnant, right? You are not in any way reflecting on your own life experiences?


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