Garbanzo journalism

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Last week I tried to make falafel in my slow cooker. The recipe was easy, except for part where I had to mash the garbanzo beans. I didn’t have a good utensil for mashing, so I had to churn away at them with a fork. This got boring after about 8 seconds. Suffice it to say that at least some of the beans were mashed.

The other problem was that I didn’t put in enough bread crumbs. My falafel balls, barely cohesive when they entered the slow cooker, lost all sense of form as they baked.

“Oh,” I said, upon opening the lid three hours later. “I’ve invented hummus.”

Since it is a tasty and healthy food, I figured I would try again today, only this time I intended to be very, very clever. I already had to use the blender to mix all the other ingredients—cilantro and cumin and lemon juice, some other stuff—so I reasoned I could blend the garbanzo beans at the same time, saving myself a step and mashing the beans with more efficiency than the fork method.

This turned out to be very poor reasoning. The blades blended the beans at the bottom just fine, but none of the ingredients in the upper seven-eighths of the blender made it down to the chopping action. No matter how high the setting or how much I pleaded, the blades just hummed in the hummus.

Forty-five minutes, one mixer, one chopstick, one immersion blender, and countless swear words later, I finally fixed my blender blunder. Into the stoneware went the painstakingly prepared mush—this time with extra bread crumbs!—and late in the afternoon I was able to feast on what was pretty recognizably falafel. They still didn’t have the integrity I wanted (though really, I have very high standards when it comes to integrity) but maybe that’s the price you pay when you buy the wholesome all-natural breadcrumbs. Though I seem to recall paying a price for them in the form of extra money, as compared to the cheaper, unhealthy, but probably more cohesive breadcrumbs. Sigh.

Dunno how long the local paper will keep this link active, but here’s the latest story about the explosion:,0,1200454.story

Astute readers will notice that I totally scooped the paper on this one. I reported exactly the same thing, only a month and a half earlier and with way more of the human interest angle. The only thing I didn’t include was the list of charges. I think my favorite charge is the one about inhaling noxious chemical substances. Um. It’s not like he was trying to sniff paint thinner to get high. He was trying to kill himself. Give the guy a break.

In related news: I’ve been going to jail every Tuesday evening. Coupla weeks back I had to share the visiting room with another two people visiting an inmate. There’s enough privacy that our respective conversations didn’t encroach upon each other, but while I was waiting for Bobby to arrive, I was forced into the position of unwilling eavesdropper. I had no desire at all to overhear their discussion, but since I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, I couldn’t help but glom on to an interesting tidbit: the end is nigh.

“Don’t worry about the charges,” the lady said. “The world’s going to end soon. All the signs are there.”

Remember, you heard it here first. Don’t wait for the other media to pick up the stories. By the time they get around to reporting the end of the world it’ll be too late.

Anyway, since the world’s about to end, and also because I don’t actually have anything to write about at the moment, I’m going to go find some books I’ve been meaning to read before I die. Armageddonouttahere.


4 responses »

  1. I would love to give you credit, but in a festival just this past Sat. a man on the curb was very animated in his profession of world end being nigh and all. Also, he was extremely sure that I was created from dirt, made of almost pure sin and must profess this to a zombie lest I be tormented. That sure is a lot of effort wasted on the worthless! It cost a lot just to heat my house…could you imagine an eternal lake of fire? What about the OZONE????

  2. the lesbrarian

    I’d never really thought about the logistics of maintaining an eternal lake of fire. Does it happen naturally, thanks to the sulfur and molten lava and tormented souls? Or is it an artificial heat? Do you have to have HVAC and groundskeepers and EPA officials to keep everything up to par?

  3. This is some of the many things I wasted my youth pondering rather than learning math.

  4. Armageddonouttahere. THAT is awesome. Also, I tend to think that previous type-A obsessive homeowner association leaders are given the job of heading the maintenance team for the lake of fire. They would have the most impressive qualifications.


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