A suitable candidate

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My stomach feels funny. I think we can blame dinner. Vegan cream cheese, and honestly you should just take my word on this, tastes terrible.

I’d tried vegetarianism for a while in college, but I gave up after the heroin addicts upstairs vandalized my apartment. To prepare decent vegetarian food, one must be able to use the kitchen. I was a terrible cook back then, and after the kitchen ceiling caved in, I admitted defeat. Meat was back on the plate, along with convenience and processed artificial ingredients and tasty, tasty unhealthiness.

But animal welfare has always been a pet concern (ha!) of mine, and lately I’ve been reading a lot of ecological nonfiction, and leaning more and more toward veganism. The more I learn about pollution and climate change, the more I realize that livestock production is critically important. Eating meat and cheese does more damage to the environment than driving a car.

A stumbling block on the path to veganism was the not insignificant matter of my morning coffee. I tried drinking it without half-n-half for a while there. I lasted two days.

But then it occurred to me that I could use soy milk and coconut milk instead, and practically overnight I became a vegan.

I do not have any upstairs neighbors, so my kitchen ceiling is safe. I am still a terrible cook, but I know how to fake delicious food in my three slow cookers. I wish I were living in an eco-fanatic community such as, let’s just pick one at random here, the greater Asheville area, but even without that luxury, I have managed to become a stereotype. I am an educated liberal white bisexual yoga-practicing quasi-pagan vegan female. Who owns three cats.

I am a grocery store vegan. I reserve the right to eat animal products on holidays, when I’m traveling, and on special occasions, but at the grocery store, my purchases are strictly vegan. It’s easy. Aside from the soy milk and coconut milk, there are no labels for me to decipher. I buy vegetables, fruits, spices, and sometimes grains, and then I go home and command my slow cookers to do their magic with the ingredients.

But since I’m going to the beach in a couple of days, I skipped the fresh fruits and veggies at the grocery store this evening. Didn’t want them going to waste in my absence. I poked around in search of convenient, pre-packaged vegan foods, which is how I came home with the fake cream cheese, which is why my tummy hurts.

Or maybe my tummy hurts because of the waiting. I had my job interview last Friday morning with a library system in the greater Asheville area. It is a small rural mountain community, and I spent an hour doing my best to convince the interview panel that I’d be a great director. It was a strong interview, I think, but I have no way of knowing how well the other four candidates interviewed, or what job experience or personal connections they might have.

If things go as planned, the County Manager will present the name of the chosen candidate at the next meeting of the Board of Commissioners. This will be on the evening of Monday, August 8. I expect I would get my phone call, telling me yea or nay, on Tuesday the 9th.

This is what I looked like on the day of the interview.

The professional-looking suit rather downplays my unusual figure, but take my word on this: I do not have a common frame. The heels I wore that day took me all the way up to 5’3″, and I am cursed by the bustiness gene. Or maybe I should just blame the hormones in all the yummy cow flesh I ate for three decades.

The problem is not just that I have big boobs, but that I have big boobs on a smallish ribcage. I am unable to go into a store to buy a bra. No one carries my size. Likewise, I am unable to go into a store to buy a swimsuit.

This is why I forked over an ungodly amount of money for a custom-built suit. My online investigations led me to a store, several time zones and one international border away, that demanded exacting measurements. I felt confident paying them a week’s worth of rent because they obviously cared about the details.

Would I have felt so confident if I’d known that the Canadian postal workers were on strike?

Oh well. Though I have not yet seen my suit and cannot say if it lives up to its promise, I want to take a moment to say a lot of nice things about Zena Swimwear. Incessant online tracking since July 9 had showed my suit to be sitting in a Canadian post office, and sitting, and sitting, and sitting some more. I wrote off the delay to the backlog following the strikes, but finally I picked up the phone and called Canada’s postal system. The nice lady explained to me that the package was not actually at the post office, that it was still with the original sender.

So I emailed the swimsuit store. The person who replied was extremely apologetic. She explained to me that my swimsuit had been handed over to the post office and that it was most likely lost or hopelessly delayed. At this point I gave up any hope of seeing my swimsuit before my beach trip.

But this afternoon I received an unexpected email. The swimsuit store was sending my package by international courier in the hopes that it would arrive tomorrow, Friday, the day before my departure.

Zena Swimwear either tracked down the package in the backlogged postal offices, or sewed up a new one from scratch, and then paid a small fortune to send it by courier, at no additional cost to me.

Will it get here in time? I hope so. Even if it doesn’t, I am flabbergasted by the exceptional service. The strike was not their fault, but they are doing everything they can to get my swimsuit to me on time.

They are totally getting a nice letter from me. I’ll send it from the beach.


5 responses »

  1. There was/is a swimwear shop in Maryland that let you pick bottoms and they would make you a customish top. Cost around 80 clams.

  2. the lesbrarian

    Nice to see you awake, Iaaln. My internet snooping didn't turn up any domestic places that asked for as many measurements as the Canadian place did. That's why I went with them. As of two hours ago, it was in Seattle. My suit and I are in the same country now, at least.

  3. Hey, a good customer service story! Slap my ass and call me Charlie, I didn't believe good customer service still existed. So glad you were the recipient.You look AWESOME in your work get-up. VERY library directorish. My tummy is in sympathy knots with yours…waiting eagerly for the 9th and hoping all good things for you.

  4. eleemosynary archivist

    Yo Jess, Not certain that I have checked in but wanted to wih you well with the reimmigration visit. Will write more later. Nurse about to shave m' fuzzy countenance. Say hi too Tom Wolfeout-4-nowtgb/ea

  5. Don't know what is wrong what is rite but i know that every one has there own point of view and same goes to this one ltpcdj ltpcdj – <a href="http://www.supra-footwear.org.uk">Supra Footwear UK</a>.


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