Call girls are standing by

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One of the best things about being a librarian, along with the prestige and the groupies and the strippers and the gobs and gobs of money, was having a succinct answer available when people asked about my job. If I were in charge of quality control at the widget factory, I would be flailing for a tidy job description, but with librarianship it was always easy. What’s my job? I’m a librarian. What’s my career? Librarianship.

Now I have a new job: I’m a banker. Or, alternately, I’m a call girl. Dad was nice enough to point this out to me.

In the interests of privacy I’m not going to disclose the name of the bank or the name of the call center. What I can tell you is that I’m being trained in the basics of banking. After the training period, I’ll start answering phone calls, lots and lots of phone calls. When customers of this bank call in with a question, I’ll be one of the people on the other end of the line.

It’s like being a librarian, only with the reference desk you’re expected to be able to answer questions derived from the full body of all human knowledge that’s ever existed ever. With this job I’ll only have to worry about banking questions.

Or: it’s like being a bank teller, only I won’t be dealing with anyone in person and no one will be able to rob me at gunpoint.

Which reminds me of the best job description ever:

“We rob banks.”

I’ve now completed one week of training, and though I like it fairly well so far, I need to register my objection to the way it interferes with my free time. I have way too much other stuff to be doing. For instance, the local public library only lends out new books for two weeks. It’s difficult to read a 1,000+ page book in fourteen days if you’re stuck at work for forty hours each week.

I also have mountains to hike and writing projects to undertake, some of which might conceivably be lucrative, and now I find out that there are free yoga classes offered at a nearby studio, and there is one VERY out-of-practice tuba that needs my attention, and there’s a video game that’s just been released that I want need, and anyway I don’t have enough time for all that stuff as it is, and now on top of all that I have to go be a fulltime call girl.

Longtime followers of this blog will know that I only spoke of my library job obliquely. For this job I shall be oblique-ier. The thing with the public sector is that, to get fired, you pretty much need to show up to work naked AND intoxicated, both at the same time, ideally with a live television crew filming because otherwise it’s very difficult to prove. Plain old gross incompetence or garden variety laziness is insufficient grounds for termination.

Now that I’m working for the private sector, I can get fired whenever. I am not particularly worried about this coming to pass, but I think it would be a sensible policy to tread very, very lightly around my job. I shall speak of it only in the vaguest terms, and if anything dramatic happens there, I will regretfully neglect to report it.

Fortunately, as longtime followers of this blog know, dramatic stuff has a way of happening in my private life, and by “fortunately” I of course mean “unfortunately.” Nasty horrible devastating events happen to me with alarming frequency, when all I’m doing, basically, is sitting about minding my own business.

As I see it, I’ve banked up enough soap opera melodrama to see me through the next two hundred and fifty years, give or take, so I should be looking forward to smooth sailing for the rest of my natural life. Which means that I will have a very dull existence, and consequently a very dull blog, filled to the brim with no explosions whatsoever. But just in case interesting stuff decides to continue happening, I shall dutifully report it here, since I won’t be able to report any of the interesting stuff happening at my job.


9 responses »

  1. eleemosynary archivist

    Gott in Himmel, JessOr shall we now refer to your august person as "Madame Z"?Thou do haveth thy way with job-descriptive puns.But nowadays Banking institutions and their wholly owned or operated subsidiaries would probably have to describe your operational specialty as a "Callperson".Glad to hear you're gainfully employed in a new field,but dismayed about the 14-day checkout reg on new books. What pray tell is the 1000-pager? Keep on walking and enjoy the Tarheel Fall foliage.Billiousberg had it's first real frost so old man winter can't be far from the door. Best regardoroonies… out-4-nowtgb-EA

  2. Your job may not be interesting, but you are. 🙂

  3. e: archivist: Madame Z. Yes. I'd prefer that.The book is REAMDE, by Neal Stephenson, which I think you' enjoy. Considering how quickly you read, it would only take you an evening or two.Pam: Aw shucks.

  4. Ah. Yes. Well…Call girls… hmm… seems to me that for both types (the actual and the implied) the same work ethic applies:The customer comes first.

  5. If the game you "need" is the one I think it is, you'll be lucky if it plays on your computer. I looked at the minimum specs, and it blows mine out of the water. To reach the recommended specs…well, let's not go there. I could perhaps justify spending $60 on that many hours of "needed" entertainment, but I can't quite justify the $60 plus the $800 I would need to get a computer to run it. So once again, my budget makes me a reluctant Luddite. No flat screen TV, no smart phone, no tablet PC, and no Skyrim. *sob*

  6. bta: Yes. Exactly.Lafriend: I'm pretending I didn't read that. I will get Skyrim and IT WILL WORK.

  7. Kev really likes Reamde. I am putting it on reserve. I loved Crpytonomican. What I am wondering is, how the hell do you pronounce "Reamde"? And what is the banking charge for asking a call girl that question? The too big to fail banks charge for most every thing now including talking to an actual human being.

  8. Stan: I'm guessing Reem-Dee is how you say it. Stephenson never did explain how to pronounce it in the book. I can say this confidently, since I finally finished. I'm glad you're putting it on hold, and I'm glad to know Kevin read it (or is reading it). It's a fantastic book but there aren't too many people I can recommend it to. That page count is kind of intimidating.I haven't read any other NS books but I'm going to have to. This is patently apparent. Since I'm answering this on my personal time, it's free. Also, at [NAME REDACTED], it's free regardless.

  9. eleemosynary archivist

    One needn't be currently engaged in MA level Librarianship to qualify for writing about professional aspects thereof..Writing is a "Mission" closely entwined with whatever didactic gene drives folks who gravitate toward "public service".That someone of your colleagues contacted YOU to take the reins from a renowned predecessor should be sign enough.keep your hand in and your mind active..The Southern Cal teacher dream's part n'parcel of a new station in life. Follow your dreams, Madame Z; who knows what's really over the next horizon… Dress well,stay warm.. be you. pass on what you've learned!!!!Pity the local system who pass up highly qualified volunteer reinforcements.editor!best regards,tgb-ea


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